20080729
because this is a public blog which unfortunately cannot be made very private at all, and as it seems (i computer nooblet) nothing can be locked here or anything - well the occasional tirade just has to go somewhere in the end.
so hello world, i am tired of many things:
- acting like everything's okay, when i know it isn't
- finding out things really aren't okay
- having to juggle two very hard choices
- suddenly realizing you're on the brink of losing both maybe?
- being someone i'm not everyday for the past month? two more days to a full month
- constantly just coming back, then turning tail and running for it
- wondering what comes next?
- waiting for answers, but God says "wait and don't worry", so there you are.
- telling myself what a stupid mistake i made back on... 2 july
- telling myself about the OTHER stupid mistakes i made after that
- self-deprecating for friday, for saturday, for monday, for today...
- ... and teetering towards temptation of my old habits (thank God for God :D)
- having that age-old, stubborn-ass saggitarian voice in me that spells 'optimist'
i think there's a reason why some people don't want their blog links everywhere. i'd be okay with it, just not in this period of time - but what to do? just glad for yiwei amanda and feli who've pretty much been there nearly every step of the way so far :) and the seniors/friends who kicked my ass to do QT in these nasty times.
many times today, i thought - maybe i should just tell ** **... just wanna take a break from my saturdays. but its too irresponsible
shoutouts:
mari - ! HELLO DEAR
mark - you may forgive me, but hahaha i havent :P
erzi/ming - of course i (didnt) forget you! how could i?? meet up soon? :D and you know i love you too!
20080727
drama foa was definitely better than some people made it out to be :) second one was a bit --- but the sec one boy was really really cute
and good! me = 13 years old = remembering that many lines and having that stage confidence = JOKE ;) don't even think i could pull it off now, but don't know, its been 3 years since i last did a stage act. zombie doesn't count!
third one was awesome, minkyeong makes a terrific mean-girls replacement! loved that one the best, it was so good seeing everyone just monkeying around, what with cao's china-dude accent, asher's ego-rollout, bingei's nerdy-boy, minky!, jeremy's fag-act HAHA. kudos :)
first one? hilariously funny, and a revelation of why random people just smirked at me post-drama on friday "chronicles of jane" GG. introduce myself at foa and people go "oh hey nice to mee- HAHAHA." O.O some random snippets from yesterday -
manda: you're gonna kill the dude who wrote the script, right?
mark (neth's bro): (sms) jayneee, jayneee go to sleeeeep! ... i lost my respect for you (!)
me: (upon sighting sam lee) HI JANE! :P
and i can't get the image of bong, izzy and ELVIRA out of my head, them being the nymphs of slumber yesterday. hmmm. or the high-pitched song. and amil being the... procrastinator. hot on heels, mm? :P
went out w random classmates, non-5.14 people like sharon and jerrold to holland's coffee club :) code of the night: eat drink and make merry. amanda and i went crazy (dont know why) before we even got there, i think we laughed too much - "its good to be happy!"
me: hi mom going to holland w class kay see you! omg im walking in heels on the astroturf!
mom: what? oh i'm in halia bar now, don't get run over by a car, whatever bye.
GG. and i wonder what was really in that mojito? because i can't remember anything that happened last night from the time amanda and i dragged ourselves back at 12.30. just know i woke up at 9 this morning and wondered how i could wind up on the garden couch when i remember being in my study room O.O tried searching my memory but nothing... damn weird.
math port and chinese oral before dark knight and facial later! :D
20080725
stress is never good for you. it came as a surprise yesterday, realising how much things had really gotten to me. wake-up call came right after school - found myself suddenly stifled by the smell in the SAC, triggered also by the weight on my head - and subsequently puked O.O GG!
manda: but i'm the only one allowed to puke!
haha its kinda creepy really, how kindred it is? :D that when something happens to her (its usually her first) then something of a similar nature happens to me. IM NOT KIDDING. the creepy-count so far is like - finger, ankle, braces twice, etc. you know how they say best friend forever (BFF - defined for the uninitiated :P)? this is like. best friend photocopy forever. BFPF. no, seriously...
anyway im in a delirium of zero-emotion, just purely and irrationally gleeful? i dont really know how to say hahahaha :D just know that its damn weird. and judging by the way things have been turning out, and the advice of several treasured and darlingest friends, i definitely have to make a good choice soon. yes i hate that part :/
its such a grey's anatomy D-F moment, but again yes it is and i can't do anything about it but to set my mind once and for all, and throw the dice/coin. and trust entirely in God cos He knows whats good for me, i am sure :)
people are at FoA drama, thats for us tomorrow. in primers room w neth, manda goh and lua; officers, Y7s and coll upstairs. me, chem and macbook. ahhhh. the next week or so promises to be both packed and a blurry rush of work and events.
me: (in bio class) i think i got the IB disease.
20080720
the things you write at the height of emo O.O
am still somewhat disturbed by recent events, mostly saturday :/
but then again, Nat told me yours truly a little juicy something
last night at Brendan's !nk party. made me feel a little more relieved, or
significantly so, actually :) think i'm actually more ready to face this week
ohwell and zoo yesterday for BB cares :) nice to be back there after like
ten years or sthg? gosh it all looks so different now, more exhibits
lush scenery, and ah meng's grave. yes i say ah meng's grave because
leonard and i had to sit it out 2 hours, right next to the grave.
we waited for the various MCYC groups to come over and do their task
which was to sing amazing grace :)
anyhows i said we were the coolest station masters ever HAHA cos
we had the pavilion, the fan on, and my macbook blasting music :)
although ah meng scared us, by having the fan go on and off, all by itself.
like off until len shouted "AH MENG PLEASEEEE." at the monkey statue
HAHA :) and to take our minds off - gossip time!
been some time since i had a good talk with a friend so that was that
actually only a couple days, if you consider recent events =X
but anyways. coll turned up as well to help out in BB cares, that was nice too
since i havent spoken to him since forever, since his entry into army
not well anyhows. so at the zoo -
C: jayne, welcome home! (O.O)
had a few scattered chats throughout yest esp after zoo,
left school at 5.30 and rushed to brendan's place. talked the earth t the floor
with nat and afterwards, got to know some seniors,
shiru, ambrose and abe better :) omg ambrose is from that class too haha
the sentence he used to introduce himself was damn funny but also -.-
"i already know who you are because of ____ HAHA"
GG. so well, that. am in a much better mood, today was ShineForth and
the speaker was edward prousson, some canadian i think? :)
brown hair, white beard, a very cool guy who had awesome stuff to share
and worship was good, whatever i caught of it (arrived at 11.05 am)
talked a bit more to C and after - tea @ halia cafe w mom.
drowsy, trying to do work now ): need to rethink what im doing w myself
sooner or later. golly
20080718
there's just so much to do,
so little time. yes it feels just like - drowning
under the weight of dark water, little icky
tentacles pulling you deeper and deeper down.
i try to screen out everything from tonight and the evening,
perhaps the past week as well.
but nothing except a deadweight hangs right over
my head - there's only a mental barrier holding everything back
and i'm, for the first time, truly scared to let it fall down.
cos what will happen next, from there?
not planning on snapping apart;
i refuse to let myself break like in april - again.
and so only one thought crosses this turgid-cell brain of mine:
maybe we should spend some time apart for both of our sakes
i miss doing QT and outreach like the old, better days D:
20080716
so whats new but lots of fun in school and amanda and i realizing that yet again, we share uncannily quirky similarities. oh like how she sprained her finger on her left hand a couple days ago, and now i mysteriously follow suit? yeah i have
no idea what happened.
i must try to rmb the evergreen funny things that manda and i come up with early early in the mornings post assembly, and during our daily cab rides! :D some things you dont ever want to end. and i'm glad feli and i are very much closer now, thanks to some common bond to start off with lol
no denying feeling completely emotionless these past two weeks - its all i can do to keep myself from being distracted from work. not feeling anything in particular at all? bad for ToK essays but good in that i can concentrate on IB instead :) whats to say that i could now describe myself as a very turgid cell that just needs one little needle prick to go boof O.O
need to regain my proper sleeping patterns again, wake up early, and stop being late for fireAC ): okay back to... 9 pieces of work on my Sticky, and some more which i didnt bring myself to even type!
jiminy cricket, before i forget: my 6 month old acer? we're over. the white macbook (or "mac-y" in sun-lingo) is in da house now xoxo kthxbye
20080708
in the aftermath of the past few days, i would say these past two days have been pretty much everything - fun fun fun (: what with inaugural youth days and nighttime strolls for supper and pseudo-exercise.
tonight mom thought i was washed out and stuff by everything, so dragged me off to holland to walk around and search out new eating joints. getting high tea at forsters cafe this sunday, apparently :) zipped down in the convert (ah hair!); returned 27 dresses first. lovely rebound to rest after a tumultuously tiring day, where i spent most times either w vision swimming madly or head knocked out on the desk.
venthan: should learn from jayne and sleep more/take more naps. but with one little difference from her... JUST NOT DURING MY CLASS!
yesterday? definitely awesome :D in what was a desperate attempt to make the most out of a day meant for us jolly under-30 young things to enjoy life to the push-out max - met up w alena in the morning as planned.
@ 10 am, my phone buzzed and i smashed it silent. then my house phone rang and -
alena: hello i'm coming now!
me: mmpfppphh? zzz...
alena: wake up, wake up!
O.O haha took a ride from mom down to tierney's gourmet, where we spent $40 on snacks and drinks in like 5 min and zipped back to my plc for 27 dresses and bingeing, majorly (: yours truly is on a get-fat-post-exams mission, it seems. and there was girl-talk and catching up on hc gossip after/in between.
went to holland to chillax w my best friend - ice blended, malibu dream mmm :P bumped into Y and talked for a while, headed over to T's and talked some more. pool right outside study windows - i like! and all before going to meet P in town. oh and her sister L.
somewhere along the way i kind of ruined mom's ray-bans. shyte. like i dropped them while talking to Y and T O.O then they got really bent out of shape.
me: UMM. is it just me, or are these really bent now?!
t: duh they're definitely bent...?!
me: -.- UGH! sheeetttt
abandoned P and linette to their devices and shopping/whatsuch after a brief stint at taka's cold storage. felt good to be among all the comfort food again, and to just have P around to talk funny nonsense too. easy on the brainstems (: met adele on the way past forever21 and chatted awhile about our new lives... new and more interesting lives. HAH.
swung around and killed the amex (: well, not really killed it, but. used it, extensively, without really thinking what i was doing. nearly bought some tops that i didn't really want? :/ anyways landed selfridge, topshop, perkins and heels. receipts to mom, a little wide-eyed look there, forgiveness for the stagnancy in shopping/retail therapy. bumped into steph and her friends outside the paragon marketplace
meeting so many people today - just proves. youth day = fun = no IB work to be done = yay! (: and then again, i find myself not really making sense in anything anymore. in any case, getting stuff off, leaving stuff behind - just made life more bearable than of late. offloading... i realise 3 big complications just happened though - but am trying not to think anymore
think immersing self in numerous charity/service projects should be extremely refreshing and liberating? like there's NUH, BB Cares, tuition on mondays, etc. i wanna babysit my neighbor's baby again (: or send him to kindy-school on his first/second day - like i did those days when we had a life, still?
labels or kids? hard choice, there, really...
20080704
HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY AMERICA!
passionAC = just a place where for once in a long long time
possibly since LDC, one could finally... finally
feel God once again (: through worship, sermons, and quiet meditation.
and being among the acjc people, in a concert hall, listening to music
and the Word. plain chillax :D
was a good remedy after today. a day when i realised
no matter how much you convince yourself youre doing the right thing
you suddenly realise... succumbing to peer pressure =
never a good thing. usually anyways :/ but well.
there's only so much one can do, and can take
never expected the sudden appearance today
possibly the worst case scenario considering (...) O.O
stress from it, plus from the past few days. wondering
if i was making my greatest mistake? then boom.
should've just left it where it was (: life made easier, really
instead of trying to rectify others' mistakes...
and wind up screwing up with my own :/
thank you all the dears trying to make me smile tdy (or forced me to)
or just being there? :D yay love you guys
(less to those who tried to physically drag me around D: HAHA)
karlo & zhuoer - who stuck around all the way, teasing and jabbing at me +.+
and also, who were late for our meeting w the acjc cf thanks to me ):
definitely manda-sun neth lua manda-goh dan too (:
pinoy zhuoer manda stanislaus random-junior charles-ng and i
good times in coffee bean today (: ate comfort food and cheered up
went for passion AC and felt very very good. called mdm kwan along the way
got shouted at for not reporting my o level chinese results
(jokingly, of course) she's such a dear
one day i will go for chi tuition when manda and briankhoo go
and meet good ol' mdm K again :D
met so many ppl in holland today -
manda stan charles-ng random-junior yvonne ms sabrina
(i miss my old pe teacher D: ahh)
had a damnably good talk/chitchat w felicia today...
something i haven't had (with her) for too long a time.
half an hour of just rambling and laughing over life
until one entire giggly class came upon us and we ran for it O.O
sticky situation? like with the other... hmm hmm
need to start looking out for/communicating w my best girlfrs
properly again (: gossip, chat, shop, talk.
puts all the fun into life
omg im planting orchids tmr, buying hedda/medea/ms julie
bagpipes from afar cos of some stupid whatever-misunderstanding-thing
O.O life's really really messy
what the cookie
20080703
in thought and principle, its much easier than it seems
today i nearly said something i never thought i would say
these two years in school
but well i nearly did :/
thats about all i know for now,
i wonder if it would have been better any other way?
don't know if it was a mistake,
don't know if monday's prayer was meant to mean
anything at all?
just know that, tomorrow. tomorrow is the day
everything settles itself, or too many slices
of sacrifices will be made
everything falling, rising, dipping, reawakening suddenly,
tough decisions and choices against previous beliefs,
signing out from one and a half years of memories...
letting go of last year, finally
maybe God's trying to tell me something
hungry and not feeling like i'm being myself? +.+
p.s. camwhoring w manda on bridge, astroturf, everywhere = fun (:
love you dear for being there and listening at every turn
so far. and appreciating the complete lack of spirits for
the past two days? coming out of this sense of ... dunno-what
wanna just focus properly on my work now
its piling higher than myself (not hard)
getting rather worried.
and i really don't give two hoots for rules, most times, i find
time to stop the worst streak of being a saggitarius
[/edit @ 9:04pm]
spent a good chunk of time blog-hopping,
found blogs belonging to random IB people
people i never thought would have a blog
(thats not an insult or compliment :P)
suddenly understand/have a new perspective
on so many people. yes, so suddenly...
and i think the best thing, maybe
about being born under the saggitarian star -
the inherent undefeatable optimism
sure it goes away at times, but it always returns.
and somehow it suddenly feels like
what i should do, has become clearer (:
current favourite:
make this go on forever - snow patrol (grey's anatomy season 3)
20080701
so a quick post exam search on google for ib biology EE turned out this -
MATERNITY WEAR FOR IB BIOLOGY (STUDENTS)
*turns to amanda*
"if you're in IB you shouldn't be pregnant?"
:D and yesterday at the poolside, with some high on vodka-limeade mixes and what not.
j: still want this chicken thing amanda?
a: oh no...
j: sure?
a: yeah anyway what you're eating is like a dead carcass of a once alive animal
*j splutters* O.O
