20080830
perth australia
30 aug - 2 september evening (?)
agenda: vacation + shopping + work
ahaha flight's in a couple hours, gotta go to changi airport soon :) might bump into linette (pet's sister) or leb's, if i am very very lucky indeed. coincidence? :) ehehe. i rmb getting scared of a huge black swan when i was six and standing near a lake in a park or something. and buying beads from one of those quaint street-side stores. going back there a decade later! =)
company retreat was awesome. worship/Word by mr wesley chong =) headed off with other y5 primers to pasir ris park, did lots of crazy stuff on the way. what with belting out disney/phantom of the opera/prince of egypt tunes, skipping with feli, doing the penguin runway waddle-walk w/ feli karlo and the penguin herself, and th playground!
playground - well then, it had us climbing up and down towers-of-sorts, spinning around on satellite dish merry-go-rounds, swinging higher and higher (don't ever let leb/mr huang push you if you don't wanna fly up to 3m), crawling through tunnel nets, bouncing on pogos and unstable mushrooms... i think we all had lots of cheap thrills and good fun :D kids nowadays have it so good, dangerous as it is :P
before that was teacher's day. had nothing like it before, red carpet event + retro dressing! :) met the primers gang before setting off after... had a little heart-attack/shock somewhere along the way - stress-peak for awhiles before feli and pet worked their BFF wonders, thanks dears! =) didn't last - determined to enjoy retreat, and yes i did =)
arcade and quick shopping for shirts (to get into arcade) as well. tried DDR after like how long - epic fail but fun nevertheless... step-step, two, three step. some rude girl bumped us off and hogged it for ages. she was really good at it, bet she practices everyday. her boyfr was standing there watching the entire time, the poor thing. quickie @ subway, back to worship after =)
memorable quote from petrina:
petguin: i think elliott's gun is so cool! i love playing with it!
*bong amanda and i burst out laughing hysterically*
bon voyage, me. krispy kremes? O.O
20080828
in IB, you'll find happiness in something as v-tard as completing that IOP essay. the one thats been niggling the back of your homework-brain for months, weeks, days D: now for the *blasted* presentation and script - probably doomed to be part of my perth trip!
listening to taylor hicks' do i make you proud song from yesteryears away... kinda makes you feel nostalgic :) been surviving on music to keep awake tonight while typing a 2253-word essay, post-gym @ Sicc. BB stuff? relegated to tmr, thanks.
can't wait for breakfast. there's a cheesecake in the fridge from coffee bean :) yes its not very good and healthy and non-fattening for an early morning breakfast but wtv, a girl needs her comfort food after staring at her macbook and no other city, for like four hours O.O
late night posts are the most disjointed of all - as if my normal midday ones aren't haphazard enough haha. thoughts just come as a barrage. besides the fact that my stomach is growling and that isn't helping very much? so glad tomorrow's a slack day - more visits to SAC, sans horrid oily smell.
table talk with half the class during break was funny, albeit very very twisted/warped D: i think we hit on something like 5 topics over 40minutes? beulah and i had a good laugh afterwards. and cheap thrills - bong, mari and i dashing across the IB bridge a few times over in the sheet rain for the fun of it = cold, wet, shivering ): no jacket (grr...brrr) spent aeons in the toilet drying out under the fan!
monday = tuition w/ the kids... zhi-whatshisname (oh gosh, i keep forgetting) he's the bomb = killer naughty and hard to manage but fun to talk to nevertheless. been trying to confiscate his PSP for ages now :/ i miss rayyan (that name is cool), and volunteering at montessori kindy a couple years back. those kids? lovely.
nice-long-walk w _ down hongshan after :D longest talk in a long while... fun and well, felt like old(er) days. talking randomly about life and everything - it's easier to put shizzle behind and just move along with the flow of time and life in general. hmm.
wanna go mexico one day. or morocco :) i think overseas countries can be so eggs-citing! =) especially those really ethnic ones with funky bits of ethnic pottery or clothing (mexican hats!), and all. take a little trip off with the favorites maybe?
retreat's inching closer, i'm beginning to think i'm forgetting something D: eeks.
shout-outs:
sharon: what's your blog, girl?!? i wanna read haha and yes, you have something to tell amanda, so MANDA GETCHA LOADA THIS! :D
manda: you owe me a couple AJ-days now, B! HAHA. and well yeh so pop over for dinner anytime...and my ribs thing has disappeared, yay! now i have a tight/strained left calf muscle ):
chloe: my foot la. hahaha hi dear, talking to you today during break was fun =)
su-ann: YOU KNOW YOU LOVE ME TOO! :) gossip girl 1 sept, sure you won't miss that! *wink
20080824
sooo... had dinner w/ people which included a very old irish family friend. who was telling us all about this italian long-lost acquaintance of ours who got a japanese girlfriend and went back to his little cosy italian hometown (sicily i think?).
very old irish FF: so i was telling him, 'you sell your restaurant, go hitch your young japanese girl, bring her back to the valleys of wine and bread to meet the family... what's the fearsome la momma going to say?!'
someone: what's la momma?
VOIFF: THE MOTHER-IN-LAW!
hahaha its quite retarded, took me a few seconds to register -- then burst out laughing O.O it became like the constant source of laughter in the rest of the night's convos.
la momma. we live in an international world.
getting rather excited about coy retreat, though not too enthusiastic about the organizing part (who is?) but well. hope it'll be fun for everyone, and a chance to rebond, worship and just have fun as a Company :) so what's in store? a current proposed all-girls heart-2-heart talk through the night (eh, prayer vigil? LOL fail) pity kim, zhuo'er and maybe audrey have so far indicated absence O.O
going to barker 8.30 today was such a waste of $$. pretty please, slept at 4 woke up at 8.45 and reached at like 9.10+ --- only to realize class was playing games today! so sat w kim, charlotte and another ex-sc girl to watch the guys playing captain's ball (HMM.) with uncle james :) kim and i haha nerds - reading miss julie and annotating no-other-city respectively.
HAHAHA KIM THINKS UNCLE JAMES IS HOT (FOR HIS AGE), when he went half-commando midway through captain's ball. haha that was damn funny kim, even ms melissa woo thinks youre weird funny! awww :D yknow i love you! and even though you taught your younger bro to be as dirty as you HAHAH.
okay and the kids @ nuh yesterday! that place is dammmmmnnnnn awesome its like the highlight of my week =) spoke briefly to a 15-yr-old GB girl, from 33rd coy. she's like "oh i march 5 hours w/ my brigade, its not tiring. its NORMAL. (!!!) and we stay from 9am-9pm!" wth?! and she made a rose for me while talking hahaha
and then there was rayyan! omg rayyan is like miles picus (REW, sec one sailor) less cute but still soooooo adorable! okay i got a bit carried away by how cute he was haha and didn't think when his mom was like "oh i'll leave him w/ you going to get forty winks and a drink." :/ but well chased/carried him arnd the playground and he kept rubbing his head against wet surfaces O.O got called a mother. T.T (lol no pun intended there)
can't hope rayyan will be there next week, cos i want him to get better too! ): hmmm i miss taking care of augustus, when he was a baby ): but he's like a little monster now i think? just turned four! i definitely rmb sending him for first day of school @ BRMCKindergarten! =)
okay my ribs bruise thing is hurting again i dont know why ): elliott scared shiz out of me when he said appendicitis but false alarm, appendicitis can't be this high up no way hahahaha =x can't really bother about it right now except when i feel the occasional sharp jab in the ribs -.-
life is pretty alright, relatively normal. almost back to "normal" (what is normal?) just a little twiddles more i think. people still tell me stuff randomly sometimes, but you grow and wizen up (even in a matter of days), and now i convinced myself there really are only two people you can really listen to/believe - me and ___. other than that -- its up to how sensible i wanna be O.O about time, i really miss life before all shiz began back then.
after all, at the end of the day: it only takes two to forge the bonds of good friendship (or repair it...=x)
beginning to hear other crazy nonsensical stuff flying around again. but what's not true doesn't get the girl down :) sticks and stones! to _ _ _ _ w/ it
shout-outs:
emil: lol pursuit of happyness is a show!
ym/ez: i believe we made a date! hahaha miss you dear, see you soon! :D fac head ehhh? proud of you, girl! =)
sharon: glad to see you too!! :D gotta meet during hols or something. at this rate, dec hols LOL. but well, PICTURES UP ON FB! =)
chloe: homie?? HAHA HELLO SKINNY B WHAT UP YOOOO! love you! :D
20080816
=D :) =)
trusting in God always works ultimately. am twittery enough to do QT now before going out for dinner @ Prego (yummy, haven't been there since...ages) tis akin to learning all over again, the true meaning of priorities, trust and the pursuit of happyness
what a turn around since the ._. yesterday! nothing left there, but others thought there was so well... i'll say! and kids @ nuh today? therapeutic again :) i only wish there were more patient-kids though, today was mostly like patients' relatives or visitors or sthg. but at least we provided some forms of entertainment! and i got soooo owned by a 7 year old in making playdoh skirts for her new playdoh doll! =X
going to nuh makes me high. its not just the sugar haha. (okay shall stop before ppl start thinking im weird) but yeah i love kids, and playing with them. takes all the ---- out of life!
ohmygosh yeah 3 major embarrassing moments today, in order of increasing GG:
#1 slamming my BB cap down w my hand, only to feel *acutely* the presence of my sharp little hairclip
#2 dehydrated, dryness, dying after how long in the sweltering noontide heat, and not realising sir was in front of me. and belted out a loud explanation for my dizziness to sam and cheryl O.O GG.
#3 some pervy kids @ nuh, wow. a) explicit language - was funny when they used it on T, until they turned on me w the same thing O.O and then the rest of the guys got wind of what was happening! ugh D: yes, inside joke there. b) second pervy kid smacks me right "there" (ref, first pervy kid)
agghhhh. but in any case, i swore to focus on QT+work now till dinner so i will! =) what a cool-off day, hope monday will be cool too (: till then, you know you love me! xoxo haha amanda check IT out
shout-outs:
caleb lIM: it was BIO! haha it was mr LAI! ;) but well, at least i know to get my juices now... at least its SLACK
Ben: haha ben ang? this is soooo unlike you to actually care, usually youre only going on w all your I-DA-HO(E) shyte HAHAHA. lol jkjk thanks =)
anon: hey thanks 100x thats really good advice haha i think im applying it to life now =) thing is...WHO ARE YOU! O.O haha!
erzi: yoooo sorry i nv replied ur msg yday, was running around! but yes, that! and your concert too! your favorite chick will be there ya??
20080814
only a few things to say:
1. enough questions on what happened yesterday. headache = headache, am aware some heard "other stuff" but choose what you wanna believe. "long day of messing around, starting from nearly being late for school, and dragging amanda into it" suffices to explain things (thanks anyway)
2. mommy is very good at telling when i'm not feeling well. telling her "oh nothing, work?" doesn't work (no pun intended :P) 1.5 hrs past that she says "stop lying, will you, im not dumb." O.O so i give her the explanation above.
3. "sorry" doesnt work in one day, it works over time. patience. sometimes you do things you regret hardcore later, but stains remain and bleach works its wonders, in one such case, maybe a week or so, depending...
4. work this week just shot up by a million tons. ughhh ):
- chinese oral 19 aug
- econs DRQ test 20 aug
- attachment selection 20 aug (mugging required)
- chem surprise test (soon??)
- iop (term 4, but big brian wants it in fast)
- hedda+miss julie essays (paul tan's having ioc, can skip this for now)
- math+bio+chem worksheets
- planning IA 20, buying the juices (LOL should be fun)
- econs IA 2 final?
- EE proposal 2 (finally settled topic!)
- complete application form for attachment
- tok presentation? (what? missed lecture today, thanks for notes amanda!)
which means, effectively, msn? DAO. haha :P
5. thanks for well-wishes tdy :) sorry for missing the meeting ): and thanks for checking up indirectly, yknow who you are :D
6. brb tmr thank goodness
20080813
one chem test - and the only one i've ever failed since high school. and that one chem test, it was all it took to convince me - no more emo, no more worrying. for the first time in ages, last night i did QT, just surrendered everything, all my cares all my worries to God :) and have never felt so much better in such a long time.
going around school, ponning classes just to laugh and talk about rubbish w friends, enjoying breezes blowing across the wind tunnels in school :) therapeutic for as long as shopping is out of reach haha. i'm not scared of rumors, i'm not scared of rebounds. my conscience's clear (feeling nothing), its okay to do (almost) anything i want.
can't expect myself to make a decision to snap two years of __ in a few days. the hurts from it will take time, but then again it hasn't really affected me for quite a long time. right now what hurts most is still the pause of a great friendship :/ thinking back it was stupid to try to play the ignore game, cause it only wound up hurting both parties.
but there's nothing i regret more than that; i don't even regret opening my mouth back then 2 july. because things would have wound up coming out into the open anyway, the way they were. but what i did - my reaction: that was my biggest mistake. wish i could take it back but i can't. so all there is to do now - let God and time take over. and patience
by going back to normal, by smiling and saying hi like usual. by even perhaps, saying "hi how are you my name is ___ and you are?" (starting over) - funny thoughts, though. whatever it is, after all this space and emptiness, i just know there'll be something again :) to work from, laugh and be really truly happy once more.
and then maybe i can stop the trend of failing grades? iop in term 4 FUBAR. ee/tok? asdfgjkl. not going online anymore :/ (trying)
shout-outs:
erzi/ming - saw the blogpost dear! :) thanks for talking to me the other time, again, really. it helped a lot and shortly after i solved most of my problem. haha. MEET UP SOON STUPID! :)
cliff - hellohello :) just saw you prancing around the corridor a short while ago lol
20080807
since my life has pretty much gone back to being normal, i think the time's right to say so :) ahaha a little too happy in school today - no doubt it kinda weird-ed some people out. but yeah i was, so there. and will probably be for quite a long time now :)
am not expecting things to return immediately back to the way they were about a month plus ago, but am confident nonetheless God's there to provide and bring everything back eventually and let the nasty pasts be forgotten. just pray 'conflict' will make the friendship stronger and gladder from having pulled out of the dark sad mires of july/early august, and somehow just forget all the stuff flying around, ignore it (trying my best, for me) and do the good old friend-things :D
well at least we talked today. even if it was like what. 2 minutes
of course, a huge thank you and all to those who've stood by all the while for the past near-40 days. who've honestly just been there for me and tried all the (funniest) ways to make me cheer up when days were really really bad - feli, yiwei, amanda, pet, leonard, nat :) those who didn't (really) know but who were just there anyway (often second guessing and fifty-guessing what was going on) - yingming (ALL THE WAY FROM HCJC I LOVE YOU!), karlo, russell, sam the tranny-man, zhuo'er, etc. LOVE!
ahaha i still think it was quite funny, read my phone last night and actually grinned. there wasnt really that big a cause for grinning that widely but yeah i did haha it was kinda dumb :/ just that the huge weight hanging over suddenly disappeared, went poof! - goodbye don't come back, shan't miss you :) back to being jolly jellyfish jayne again...
life is dandy/ sometimes good things really do come to an end, but not all :) aiya now i have another decision to make. which i sorta did - but well let's see how things play out :) but think i already know? and tomorrow, INTERVIEW. k/o already ): at least i can focus on God/work better now.
better get started on the double triple triads of assignments on desktop reminder O.O haha still amused about something i was told today.
shout-outs:
kim: i miss you too in venthan's! that's why i sat with you yday! LOVE YOU.
emil: hahahah thank you!
erzi: I TOOK YOUR ADVICE! TOOK IT TOOK IT AND NOW... awesome! ;)
sharon: heya haha omg yes i was busy and occupied w stuff hahaha but yes i will, and thanks so much dear! imma actually better-than-okay now :D
nat: HAHAHA don't worry i'm fine now =D and you owe me something... HAHA rmb? ttys! ;)
20080803
truth hurts sometimes. you avoid knowing it - even wanting to know it, and engross yourself in other things, hoping its wily little fingers never wind up coming close to you. but sooner or later it catches up with you, and you listen and let it happen. you can say a few words, hoping you'll get a positive answer. but what comes really does come hard and fast, and then your dream-world bubble collapses all around
so it happened, this tuesday i found out my initial fears were right after all. you'd feel it, not talking to a close friend (or a once-close friend) for so long. before this - rumors spring up like toadstools all around, and i discovered for something like four months already? you'd rather you didn't know but it all comes to you in one day, from multiple directions.
and it makes you stifled and unsure of what to do. now that you know, you can't say you don't anymore D: trying to carry on and play pretend like nothing happened - doesn't work. you try to say a few words, but they don't come. or you give in to the pleadings of those around you to talk, and you do - but then wish you hadn't after all. maybe things might have improved far more than they look now.
you convince yourself that maybe, just maybe, there's a chance that this could all work out. at some point you tell yourself that rumors can't hurt a great treasured friendship thats about a few months old. but truth comes knocking again, and you realise that though you tell yourself repeatedly "no its not going to get to me." but it does and you put distance between the two of you - and hurt the other person. try to take it back but do it too long, and repeat the same mistake - now the other person hurts you back
come back round to not talking - that friend who was there for you when rumors blasted a previous friendship (not as close, but a friendship nonetheless), who you could ask for help with those random non-understandable science questions, and with whom chatting online was always so much fun. you remember appreciating how this friend was the one you'd look forward to seeing and because you laughed the most maybe, during these chats. contrast it to now - you don't see your friend online, and you know its not normal - then you realise what's really happening -
thats when you snap. don't show it but inside youre falling apart and you don't get why the bumps in the corridor or the unexpected interactions in subject meetings or the such, why they show otherwise. otherwise of what you know is really happening. you hold it in and at most, talk to the closest of your close friends. you tell yourself "i may bend but this... oh no it won't break me."
it does, eventually. prior to that - you're still wandering around rather ghost-like and friends notice - they say why do you look so terrible? you shrug smile and play pretend, look like you're happy with not a care in the world. every smile's truly a facade, for as long as the truth continues to hurt you. each time you spot your friend from afar its a stab and then another. you don't know what to do - you want to talk but now you can't anymore. and you wonder how it'll be like if this friendship ever repairs.
what goes around really does come around ): seeing your friend still happy (or looking) and you feel colossally empty inside and wishing you two could laugh-talk like before. the weekend comes and you wish this was the chance to patch up but no it isn't. the day before you tell another close friend you didn't really wanna show up for saturday but you do - late. another unintended glance, another stab. try not to think about it but you can't focus on what's at hand.
snap, snap. you can't do it anymore and collapse comes. you know you should never have come, know that somehow you don't wanna come for future saturdays until things get better, because each time something happens you know you're probably gonna mess up again. and someone you thought was a friend isn't helping - from behind he's killing the friendship you're trying to patch up - and then he comes around and calls, says "hi how are you are you okay" - you know he's doing this the second time around. you get mad but you're sick of arguing and laugh, smile say "i'm fine."
you wanna take a break from school, a break from life, a break from social circles. because nearly whatever you do doesn't feel so real anymore. and the fact that your once-close friend is involved in many of the things you are - that doesn't help either. you bump into your friend several times in a day - even a half day at a field in the west, and in the mrt station - but its a blank un-said. you see anger, jealousy and indifference in the eyes of the other and it hurts again.
thats when you know you'll never be 100% happy until resolution comes, and reprieve for those around you whom you treasure most but who are also falling apart like dominoes for their own reasons as well - its so weird but its true. and you wonder why. you understand why some of your friends turn to darker things, use other means of recovery and you feel tempted. but you know its wrong. you don't wash away the good that your school, your friends have submerged you in for many months, and go back to the old habits of older days.
God tells you not to worry, so you force yourself to sit there primly and wait. so when you don't know what to do and how to deal with things, just remain there. unmoving. tears - splish splash drop. and try to put the shattered pieces together again without any glue.
how do you move on? and what do you do next? back to bottom line - rumors sting. you think you're not gonna let them get to you but no they do. and you become acutely self-conscious and act defensive. yes i'm guilty, that much is my fault. you see your friend in the corridor - you really wanna talk. in fact, a million words you could say there and then, share your day and joke about the latest news in school like normal - they come but they stick on your tongue. you lose your voice, you pretend you don't see your friend. it hurts, yes, but you avert your eyes
and you continue walking - away.
