emo post, emo post :/ we just had group four the whole day and a looonggg bb mtg. well actually those were perfectly fine, quite fun and silly in general (: kim aq and joash for grp four. and a ton of fellow bb people, which made our lab the coolest HAH. so there's a big report coming up...

oh well. qt and spiritual life are currently so dead they dont even have a quick burial but a hectic shelving and trying to look as though everything's alright but really it isnt. its almost at a two week count now, that i havent been doing QT properly, on-off, on-off. i still love worship songs, they're the ones holding it all together. 

then there was john, who tried talking to leb and i a couple days back. he hit the question on its head :/ and its not a deadened spirit thing, its not a lack of fire thing. in fact its directly the opposite -  yet the biggest problem is that i just feel there's sthg in the way. sthg in the middle of it all. sthg thats big and blocks me out from communicating properly w God at this most important time ): its no fun at all.

and bong did ask me sthg recently. a question that made me realise w a nasty stab of shock. almost hypocritically, and unfortunately so, i find myself sliding backwards into the dark abyss of a very old past. its not glorious; its the old habits, the old stumbling blocks coming back to haunt again. among these was one which i did recently, sthg i surprisingly find myself not regretting. in fact i guiltily admit i actually had lots of fun engaging in it, and thinking of it, there's no guarantee i wont repeat it again next time.

yet in the Bible, it is most clearly a sin ): so its wrong, and im still doing it. and still not looking on it repentfully. and perhaps its part of this that stops me from doing what i should, by all rights, be doing. also its not just other friends who've realised - i know my attendance at fireAC, outreach, sat prayers... is slackening. horribly. its not always waking up late. its just a strong feeling of absolute hypocrisy. i dno

there's programs to do next week :/ hopefully it'll be the Rock that i found myself pondering over, ref: Psalms 39-40? hmmmm. i dno abt this either? and not abt some of my closest circle either. just watching everyone fall and only some picking themselves up (thank God :D). the others... recovering, or not. and two among these, i find esp saddening :/

just uber thankful for things like WOW and LDC. to be able to rock on the beach w 5.14 and even 5.5 (!) ... just not think abt all the crap that comes w the sch week. and and the plus of LDC? at least one whom i wish to avoid wont be there at all. cos im completely sick of it and ive no idea how to repair the wrongs i did anymore. except maybe write a long letter of sincere apology, even before *your* birthday. and then maybe this whole cold-shoulder thing is just another reason for the lack and sorry state of QT.

so those two little holiday breaks from work? a break away from a lot of other things. looking forward to these and more! packing and pre-WOW shopping w manda, perhaps? :D pity yknowho wont be coming for dinner after pre-camp tmr. i was so looking forward to it.

im just thankful for outlets and the best ever girlfrs like manda, pet, zhuoer. thankful for the cute little emails from manda, and the encouraging notes from pet, sam, neth, etc :) we're all pillars for one another, ultimately i find. and just hope it'll stay this way. and so glad too for 5.14 who is truly the bomb class! i dno what IB would be like in any other class.

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anyways! manda's birthday just went past :D and it was truly rocking! the best i'd ever had in like ages (: just a marvelous time to socialise, take the pours, rock, chill, dance/sing and be girls. photos galore on Facebook, as prob half our flist realised by now... lol it was damn awesome :D

again, cant wait for a break. a real break. studying for middies after would be just...sad? :/

i find it ironic that the friend i'd offload on is the one painfully lost a long long time ago