psychologically unleashed/physically uncontrolled is what i would probably call it at the end of the day. the memories are there, and here to stay. in the aftermath of occasions like these, being lost in the dreamy glittery world of sleep and sweet dreams becomes so much more appealing than being actually awake (and the truth is, i seldom or never get nightmares). the moment when you wake up is the part i dislike the most, when everything in your dream begins to slip away and you start, realizing where you are, what time it is, what you have to deal with. at first (which isnt long ago, truth be told), i fully intended to just let time and tide take things along to wherever - simply because thats the easier way out than worrying, waiting and wondering. of course, this was also a first reaction to the disconcerting revelations and recounts. and while trying to get over and accept the haunting memories, there also are the immense waves of gratitude. to Him for helping me make decisions that would have perhaps yielded very different consequences if chosen differently. to them all for their incredible sense of responsibility that played a huge part in having us all home safely. and in those first moments etched with intense fear, panic and confusion, there followed almost immediately the internal relief and realization of the presence of a friend whom i knew i could trust fully, and to the very end - for the second time, i owe a hell lot. and finally, to samtheman who listened, admonished, sat by for the comforts of hainanese chicken rice and some good girl laughs, helped me make an important call, who was there in the aftermath.

so for now, the next couple days or so will have to include some form of reflection, to begin to move past the initial embarrassment, to make reconciliations with... well, not people, but so many things in my head. to ease my way through the complications of consequences, and hopefully come out somewhere realizing that just perhaps im thinking too much. after all, the past 60 hours have had every single well-oiled cog in my head wheeling, and churning

but the question at the end of the day (and which i think is applicable to us all) is: do you want the year to happen to you/do you want to be the crab in the waves on shore that lets the tide take it wherever it runs? or do you want to make something (good/splendid/mindblowingly explosively wonderful) happen in this year instead? ... um, the barnacle that clings tightly onto the rock and doesn't let go until it decides to move elsewhere?

anyway, shove it all, and say hi to two thousand ten (: